Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Shady as the Tree is long...what?

            I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About things I have been ignoring for a long time. Walking through the world with a wall up, apathetic to peoples reactions to me for so long. After all one of the lessons I have learned from neurotypical people is "Who cares what they think?" and "screw em'"

            Well here's the problem...I'm tired. So tired of being misunderstood. Constantly, and consistently. I'm tired of being kind hearted, and guiltless, and being treated like a dangerous person, a liar, or a criminal every where I go. And most of all I am completely sick to my stomach of hearing about how what I think I am perceiving can't possibly be what I am perceiving. Because honestly there is no way to misconstrue they way people act toward me.

            Cops pull me over because I'm "acting suspicious," and even sometimes ask to search my car. When I walk into a store alone and look around like everyone else I am singled out by employees as the guy to watch. Look out guys, I might walk out with this washer dryer combo. When other kids cheated off me in school I was the one who was blamed even though I was the smarter student.

            I've turned in papers for class and been accused of plagiarism in front of the entire class. "We need to have a little chat about plagiarism Mr. McConnell." Well...please do go on. I've written over 100 songs, and several stories." And after a spur of the moment in class writing assignment the class stood silences by what I wrote and was forced to read.

            When I offer people advice I am asked "oh yeah?...did you just make that up?" or "where did you hear that?" in a tone of complete disregard. When I give an opinion at all it often falls on def ears in classes, in public, with random individuals.

            In interviews I am often asked if my resume is real, or if I made anything up. "I'm sorry where exactly did I write astronaut farmer on here?" Also...A horrid figure from my past who was closest to me convinced everyone around me that I was some monster who abused her, and stole money from her.

She succeeded quit well I might add, turning my closest friends against me, and the majority of the classmates that I grew up from middle school with. Yet no charges were ever filed because I had never done any of it. Which bring up the question. Why?

Why is it so easy to believe this? To see me as untrustworthy, a liar, a fake, someone with no honor, a monster, a fiend, I can't think of a worse word at the moment but "____" <- whatever goes there. I have a theory. More fact than theory at this point but here goes...

As a child I got mocked endlessly, and no matter how I tried to fit in it continued. I can remember in kindergarten not being allowed to play with the other kids because I was "different," all the way to middle school where I was given permission from my assistant principle to fight back against the people picking on me, and so on.

But the entire time growing up I was learning. Learning what sarcasm was, and that people lie, and do not have your best interest in mind. Learning that there was some sort of class system I was not a part of, and that even within the system there were people in other classes who could not be a part of higher ones. I.e. Popular and unpopular.

And most of all...learning what NOT to do so I could limit the amount I was singled out and mocked.
Let me break down how that feels. You show up to the same situation, remember all the bad things that happened the last time you tried to interact in that situation, and what went wrong. You plan out what you are going to say and do based on what happened before.

the entire time in constant fear of being "outed" or "found out." You try a different approach this time...get a little farther, avoid the inevitable for as long as you can, and there...right there that's the problem.

You see the more you try to act normal, and emulate people, the more you seem like your hiding something. Your not being yourself, you must be a fake. You must have mal intent. You must be here for a malicious purpose. No...actually I just wanted a coffee, and now to be left alone.

I am pretending to be neurotypical, and these days I am pretty good at it, but every single time I go out. unless it's a place where I am a regular and the people have gotten time to get to know me, I am looked at with fear, or distrust.

And for the people (like some of the people close to me) who think it's some sort of distorted perspective I say this...

"Oh you've got the paperwork for your sticker that's out? ok...Do you mind if I search your car?" is not a normal response from a cop if they think your an upright guy.

"So um...everything on your resume is correct right? I wouldn't want to look into anything and embarrass anybody." is not an appropriate or normal interview question unless you think the person is misrepresenting themselves.

When they get your order wrong at a restaurant, and you tell them about it, aren't they supposed to fix it instead of accusing you of ordering something and then saying you just don't want it? Even when your receipt says different?

And managers don't just send employees to have their conversation closer to a person unless they believe that person has the intent of stealing.

I have millions more in my head but that's just it. If my "perception" is skewed in ANY way, it's in by being told that the things I know to be true are somehow being misunderstood by me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to believe in yourself when every idiot around you believes what you are perceiving with your own cognitive ability is flat out wrong?  That's what I call Twilight Zoning someone, and it is killing me. It's like learning a language and having someone who speaks it tell you everything you are saying is incorrect when it's not.

Don't we all want to be understood? To have our opinions validated by people we respect? To be credited with years of staying out of trouble, and doing the right thing? To have people around you who are proud of the person you actually are instead of accusing you of being a person your not?
A lot of these things seem to be missing from my life and I don't know how to take it or what to do about it. I am at a point where the people around me are tired of hearing about it...Well you know what? I'm tired of talking about it. Hell I'm tired of having it to talk about.

I do have a few good friends who understand me the majority of the time and I am grateful for them, but my fiancé is the only person who has been able to understand me for who I am. She knows what I am and that everything about me defines me. She allows me to be myself, and unfortunately...until somebody decides that I am worth hiring, she is an hour away from me at all times. That's why this matters so much to me.

Because the people that I need to impress...to get the job I need...to live the life I want...with the girl I love...they need to know that I can get the job done, that I am extremely talented in numerous ways, that if they hire me they will have one of the most outstanding people in their employ they have ever had, and most importantly (which is the issue here) that I'm not a liar or a criminal.

And yes I do have aspergers, but that is not everything about me. I am a chef, a multi-instrument musician, a graphic artist, a kung-fu practitioner, a gamer, at times a writer, a good friend, and a loving fiancé. And I am in no way a pessimist, though I do get depressed by factual things at times as they happen...

which last time I checked was just called "being sad." But hmm maybe that's just my "perception"? I think if people put a little more effort into understand who I know I am, instead of who they think I am...You know. I have no idea. I'm going to sleep. I hope this helps somebody whether it's a neurotypical trying to understand, or an Aspie needing understanding as much as I am.

Written in one sitting and not reread. Thought it was spell checked.
-thatonewolf