Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm going to lose my sanity...whatever's left in the jar anyways.

Allow me to explain my job searching predicament as an adult with Aspergers over the last 10+ years. Since I left high-school I have only had a handful of jobs

My first job was at Tuesday Morning and I only received it because my mother came and guilted them into hiring me. When I finally left there to go to college I managed to get a short gig at Gamestop seasonally because I had a friend there, which ended when almost everyone was stealing (except me) and everyone including seasonal was fired. Or in my case not renewed.

My third job was at Spencer's Gifts  in the Woodlands Mall which I only got because a friend got me in and it was only to help build the new store which turned into a job because I'm a hard worker. From then I had a very short gig at a really stupid portrait studio with a bunch of petty gossiping idiots who had it out for me. That lasted a month. I worked on and off for a friend's Art Gallery as a manager/graphic designer. Then I worked at Randall's in the deli section until I finally got a gig being a sales rep for Lenovo.

I started part time and within a month I was promoted to full time Market Development Manager for all of South Houston. That is until the contract ended, and I was offered a miniscule seriously part time position as an Intel rep with the same company...Not enough to live on.  So I moved on to a part time rep for Samsung...

The sad part? I've had 10 jobs in 10 years, almost all of them involved somebody begging for me to get the job, and almost none of the jobs lasted more than a couple months. I've spent more time being unemployed than I have being employed in the last 10 years. And not for lack of trying. I've tried to both find jobs and make money in many a failed way...

In person: 
Cold calls, visiting shops on foot, friends attempting to get me interviews/positions, visiting job seminars, and job fairs.

Job Placement services: 
Creative Group, Creative Circle, Ashley Ellis, Teksystems, Texas Workforce Commission, Insperity, and Autum's Dawn, as well as several other job placement services.

Online:
My personal website, LinkedIn, Monster, Indeed, Simplyhired, Careerbuilder, Behance, Elance, Odesk, freelancer.com, Professional Facebook, Deviatart, and Deviantart portfolio,Craigslist, Plus youtube, Vimeo, and others including various 3D model / music selling sites.

Places I've applied for that I can remember: 
Best Buy, Office Depot, Office Max, Staples, Fry's, Blockbuster, Gamestop, Starbucks, McCDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's, JC Penny's Sears, TJ Max, Chipotle, Circuit City, Target, Walmart, Subway, and hundreds more...

99.9% of the things I've applied for never even bothered to write me back. I've had maybe 25 interviews in 10 years, and the majority of them ended with "no thank you." The money making endeavers have ended with me being awarded zero projects on project sites, zero dollars selling things on ebay, and craigslist, and around $40 making and selling 3D models. Nothing I do does anything at all, and it doesn't seem to matter what it is.

I am a multimedia graphic artist. I use 15+ programs. I went to an art highschool, I have a degree. I have a portfolio/website, and I have zero prospects. I have tried everything. I've tried job placement, I've tried cold calling, I've tried project bidding sites, I've tried running my own business, I've broken down and got help from a government agency who made me get re-diagnosed with aspergers so they could hook me up with job placement companies who also failed me.

I can't keep doing this. I don't know where to start. At all. It honestly feels like I am marked. Like there is some human consensus not to let me in, to let me win, to let me be a part of anything at all. As crazy as I'm sure anybody reading that thinks it sounds it's not.

I spent my entire life trying to learn to act like neurotypicals, and in my success I have given them a reason to fear me. I am stuck in the uncanny valley where I am just far/close enough to normal to be terrifying. I see the same stupid look on peoples faces every day. I usually don't care but when the neurotypicals are the gatekeeper of your career it kind of matters.

I'm tired of stupid advice, I'm tired of hollow kind words, I'm tired of top ten "what to do lists" about careers. I'm tired of trying day in and day out, and I'm tired of years and years, and 100's of people blaming me for not trying hard enough, or doing the right thing, or claiming I'm some sort of self saboteur. So I'm just going to say it. Here's what I want. My supposed Dream job.

My dream job is to create 3D animation and Motion graphics projects for a company or as a freelancer while working on my own shorts, tv shows, movies, games whatever. I have a lot in my head that I want to do, but the longer I do this stupid game of cat and mouse the less strength I have to do any of it.

Like right now...I'm seriously done writing.

For now...