Allow me to explain my job searching predicament as an adult with Aspergers over the last 10+ years. Since I left high-school I have only had a handful of jobs
My first job was at Tuesday Morning and I only received it because my mother came and guilted them into hiring me. When I finally left there to go to college I managed to get a short gig at Gamestop seasonally because I had a friend there, which ended when almost everyone was stealing (except me) and everyone including seasonal was fired. Or in my case not renewed.
My third job was at Spencer's Gifts in the Woodlands Mall which I only got because a friend got me in and it was only to help build the new store which turned into a job because I'm a hard worker. From then I had a very short gig at a really stupid portrait studio with a bunch of petty gossiping idiots who had it out for me. That lasted a month. I worked on and off for a friend's Art Gallery as a manager/graphic designer. Then I worked at Randall's in the deli section until I finally got a gig being a sales rep for Lenovo.
I started part time and within a month I was promoted to full time Market Development Manager for all of South Houston. That is until the contract ended, and I was offered a miniscule seriously part time position as an Intel rep with the same company...Not enough to live on. So I moved on to a part time rep for Samsung...
The sad part? I've had 10 jobs in 10 years, almost all of them involved somebody begging for me to get the job, and almost none of the jobs lasted more than a couple months. I've spent more time being unemployed than I have being employed in the last 10 years. And not for lack of trying. I've tried to both find jobs and make money in many a failed way...
In person:
Cold calls, visiting shops on foot, friends attempting to get me interviews/positions, visiting job seminars, and job fairs.
Job Placement services:
Creative Group, Creative Circle, Ashley Ellis, Teksystems, Texas
Workforce Commission, Insperity, and Autum's Dawn, as well as several other job placement services.
Online:
My personal website, LinkedIn, Monster, Indeed, Simplyhired, Careerbuilder, Behance, Elance, Odesk, freelancer.com,
Professional Facebook, Deviatart, and Deviantart portfolio,Craigslist,
Plus youtube, Vimeo, and others including various 3D model / music
selling sites.
Places I've applied for that I can remember:
Best Buy, Office Depot, Office Max, Staples, Fry's, Blockbuster, Gamestop, Starbucks, McCDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's, JC Penny's Sears, TJ Max, Chipotle, Circuit City, Target, Walmart, Subway, and hundreds more...
99.9% of the things I've applied for never even bothered to write me back. I've had maybe 25 interviews in 10 years, and the majority of them ended with "no thank you." The money making endeavers have ended with me being awarded zero projects on project sites, zero dollars selling things on ebay, and craigslist, and around $40 making and selling 3D models. Nothing I do does anything at all, and it doesn't seem to matter what it is.
I am a multimedia graphic artist. I use 15+ programs. I went to an art highschool, I have a degree. I have a portfolio/website, and I have zero prospects. I have tried everything. I've tried job placement, I've tried cold calling, I've tried project bidding sites, I've tried running my own business, I've broken down and got help from a government agency who made me get re-diagnosed with aspergers so they could hook me up with job placement companies who also failed me.
I can't keep doing this. I don't know where to start. At all. It honestly feels like I am marked. Like there is some human consensus not to let me in, to let me win, to let me be a part of anything at all. As crazy as I'm sure anybody reading that thinks it sounds it's not.
I spent my entire life trying to learn to act like neurotypicals, and in my success I have given them a reason to fear me. I am stuck in the uncanny valley where I am just far/close enough to normal to be terrifying. I see the same stupid look on peoples faces every day. I usually don't care but when the neurotypicals are the gatekeeper of your career it kind of matters.
I'm tired of stupid advice, I'm tired of hollow kind words, I'm tired of top ten "what to do lists" about careers. I'm tired of trying day in and day out, and I'm tired of years and years, and 100's of people blaming me for not trying hard enough, or doing the right thing, or claiming I'm some sort of self saboteur. So I'm just going to say it. Here's what I want. My supposed Dream job.
My dream job is to create 3D animation and Motion graphics projects for a company or as a freelancer while working on my own shorts, tv shows, movies, games whatever. I have a lot in my head that I want to do, but the longer I do this stupid game of cat and mouse the less strength I have to do any of it.
Like right now...I'm seriously done writing.
For now...
Monday, April 28, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Use your words...Use your words...
Foreward: I DO have people who care about me and understand me including my fiance. And there are people I see and meet who act fine around me, but for everyone else this pretty much applies. I do see myself as something other than human because A: I do have aspergers, and B: Because I have rarely been treated like "one of us." If you read this and think I'm crazy, you are probably stupid and part of the problem. In that case I do "apologize" for being "wrong" about things that I know to be true. Enjoy.
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Use my words...? Use my words?...Ok.
As someone with Autism I have tried for 29 years (give or take) to adopt this foreign culture. The human culture (just go with it). To learn things like sarcasm, lies, flawed logic, and reasoning. When to do what, when not to say or to say something. Yet here I am in the same boat I was at the beginning.
When I open my mouth around humans, (unless they interact with me on a daily basis), they hear what I say, but rearranged into a completely different meaning.
I say: "I can't believe this stupid commercial forcing that kid to portray the old stereotype of the whiny Jewish person."
They hear: "I hate whiny Jewish people."
All of the sudden I have a break room full of Best Buy people staring at me like a neo nazi.
The point is....I get it. I'm not to be trusted. I'm not to be played with. I'm not part of the group, I can't be part of the team, and I can't take part in any reindeer games. All because of the idiotic misconception that I'm some sort of monster. Well I'm not a monster. I'm a wolf amongst dogs. I'm like you, but only enough to scare you. I exist in the Uncanny valley which by definition is...
"The uncanny valley is a hypothesis in the field of human aesthetics which holds that when human features look and move almost, but not exactly, like natural human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among some human observers." This term is usually reserved for 3D animations, and robots but yeah...Pretty much the same here.
So again...I see you ignoring me. I see you working and playing with other people who may not even have what I have to offer if only to avoid working or playing with me. I'm not an idiot. Just a monster. I've had 20 people claim they were going to vouch for me at their job and try to get me in. Not one of those had any follow through. They just went right back to avoidance. Cowardice.
Nobody writes me back when I apply for jobs, nobody writes me back when I write them on facebook, or linkedin, or any other site, and most of the time when I speak to someone in person they act like I have no right to do so, and question the legitimacy of everything I say. Standing there trying to find out just exactly how I'm trying to trick them or screw them over with my statements of things I suggest, or places I talk about.
Yeah I told you about Chinatown just you can go randomly some day and somehow I'll just know, and be there to mug you or something. Makes perfect sense. Why else would I have told you about it?
No I totally told you about Glucosomine to trick you into taking something poisonous that they sell at every grocery store on the planet, and not because you were talking about how your joints hurting when you dance. Take the advice and shut up.
I mean, do these people hear themselves talk? I can't even go to a restaurant, and order without having some stupid human act like I'm trying to trick them with their stupid fearful face. The look. The stupid look on these peoples faces.
29 years of the same stupid face. Every person I meet has the same stupid look on their face when they think something is up. A cross between disbelief, worrying, cockiness, and revulsion. A similar look you would get as a nerdy guy approaching the popular girls tablet. (Half the time with no cockiness.) But always the same stupid look.
Imagine how lonely it is...Seriously sit down and think about it. I am in a really screwed up Twilight Zone episode where nobody understand who I am and what I am saying, and the people who do are only right about it at best 70% of the time. There is a loneliness that comes with this that I don't think anybody I know can understand other than maybe my fiance.
Which goes right back to how I can't explain to somebody well enough for them to understand me to begin with, aaaaaand cyclical... The end. I'm done writing this. Enjoy the extra misunderstandings.
Example 2.
I say: "The band before us had an awesome set. Let's hear it for them." Then go on to apologize in advance that my music is not something you would hear on the radio. saying "we aren't like your favorite band"
They hear: "The band before us was a generic band you would hear on the radio and we aren't like that" I then go outside after I play to see they drew a male member on my vehicle and called me the name one would call such member.
Example 3.
The dentist writes me 2 prescriptions that I am allergic to. A pain killer, and a antibiotic. I don't notice this until I reach the CVS. I inform one of the pharmasists whho informs me they would have to call my dentist. I agreed. While I waited there they called her, and another pharmasist was playing "telephone" for me and the dentist.
"She asking if you know Drug A."- her
"I don't know...."-me
"mhm...what about drug B?"-her.
"Yeah...again. No idea I'm not a dentist. I told them what I am allergic to. Have them presribe whatever."-me
"Oh well what about Darvocet..." -her.
"Um...I don't know I may have had that after surgery one time."-me
(Lowering her voice and making it sound like she had caught me she says to the dentist...)
"He said yeah...that would work." as if I was a drug seeker, and they had found me out.
I told them to forget the pain meds, and give me the antibiotics. I show up a week later to the dentist and she refuses to treat me. informs me that I had arisen suspicions by saying. "we don't just give out Darvocet to people with minor tooth pain." to which I replied. "Ok yeah...I didn't ask for Darvocet."
"Well they said you did."-her.
I recited to her the exact goings on at CVS and informed her of the idiot pharmacists little farce. She was unwavering. So I finally, brokenheartedly informed her that in order for me to have planned all of this to get Darvocet I would have had to have forced her into writing a prescription for two medicines that could've killed me. And I left.
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Use my words...? Use my words?...Ok.
As someone with Autism I have tried for 29 years (give or take) to adopt this foreign culture. The human culture (just go with it). To learn things like sarcasm, lies, flawed logic, and reasoning. When to do what, when not to say or to say something. Yet here I am in the same boat I was at the beginning.
When I open my mouth around humans, (unless they interact with me on a daily basis), they hear what I say, but rearranged into a completely different meaning.
I say: "I can't believe this stupid commercial forcing that kid to portray the old stereotype of the whiny Jewish person."
They hear: "I hate whiny Jewish people."
All of the sudden I have a break room full of Best Buy people staring at me like a neo nazi.
(More examples at the end of this
blog.)
The point is....I get it. I'm not to be trusted. I'm not to be played with. I'm not part of the group, I can't be part of the team, and I can't take part in any reindeer games. All because of the idiotic misconception that I'm some sort of monster. Well I'm not a monster. I'm a wolf amongst dogs. I'm like you, but only enough to scare you. I exist in the Uncanny valley which by definition is...
"The uncanny valley is a hypothesis in the field of human aesthetics which holds that when human features look and move almost, but not exactly, like natural human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among some human observers." This term is usually reserved for 3D animations, and robots but yeah...Pretty much the same here.
So again...I see you ignoring me. I see you working and playing with other people who may not even have what I have to offer if only to avoid working or playing with me. I'm not an idiot. Just a monster. I've had 20 people claim they were going to vouch for me at their job and try to get me in. Not one of those had any follow through. They just went right back to avoidance. Cowardice.
Nobody writes me back when I apply for jobs, nobody writes me back when I write them on facebook, or linkedin, or any other site, and most of the time when I speak to someone in person they act like I have no right to do so, and question the legitimacy of everything I say. Standing there trying to find out just exactly how I'm trying to trick them or screw them over with my statements of things I suggest, or places I talk about.
Yeah I told you about Chinatown just you can go randomly some day and somehow I'll just know, and be there to mug you or something. Makes perfect sense. Why else would I have told you about it?
No I totally told you about Glucosomine to trick you into taking something poisonous that they sell at every grocery store on the planet, and not because you were talking about how your joints hurting when you dance. Take the advice and shut up.
I mean, do these people hear themselves talk? I can't even go to a restaurant, and order without having some stupid human act like I'm trying to trick them with their stupid fearful face. The look. The stupid look on these peoples faces.
29 years of the same stupid face. Every person I meet has the same stupid look on their face when they think something is up. A cross between disbelief, worrying, cockiness, and revulsion. A similar look you would get as a nerdy guy approaching the popular girls tablet. (Half the time with no cockiness.) But always the same stupid look.
Imagine how lonely it is...Seriously sit down and think about it. I am in a really screwed up Twilight Zone episode where nobody understand who I am and what I am saying, and the people who do are only right about it at best 70% of the time. There is a loneliness that comes with this that I don't think anybody I know can understand other than maybe my fiance.
Which goes right back to how I can't explain to somebody well enough for them to understand me to begin with, aaaaaand cyclical... The end. I'm done writing this. Enjoy the extra misunderstandings.
Example 2.
I say: "The band before us had an awesome set. Let's hear it for them." Then go on to apologize in advance that my music is not something you would hear on the radio. saying "we aren't like your favorite band"
They hear: "The band before us was a generic band you would hear on the radio and we aren't like that" I then go outside after I play to see they drew a male member on my vehicle and called me the name one would call such member.
Example 3.
The dentist writes me 2 prescriptions that I am allergic to. A pain killer, and a antibiotic. I don't notice this until I reach the CVS. I inform one of the pharmasists whho informs me they would have to call my dentist. I agreed. While I waited there they called her, and another pharmasist was playing "telephone" for me and the dentist.
"She asking if you know Drug A."- her
"I don't know...."-me
"mhm...what about drug B?"-her.
"Yeah...again. No idea I'm not a dentist. I told them what I am allergic to. Have them presribe whatever."-me
"Oh well what about Darvocet..." -her.
"Um...I don't know I may have had that after surgery one time."-me
(Lowering her voice and making it sound like she had caught me she says to the dentist...)
"He said yeah...that would work." as if I was a drug seeker, and they had found me out.
I told them to forget the pain meds, and give me the antibiotics. I show up a week later to the dentist and she refuses to treat me. informs me that I had arisen suspicions by saying. "we don't just give out Darvocet to people with minor tooth pain." to which I replied. "Ok yeah...I didn't ask for Darvocet."
"Well they said you did."-her.
I recited to her the exact goings on at CVS and informed her of the idiot pharmacists little farce. She was unwavering. So I finally, brokenheartedly informed her that in order for me to have planned all of this to get Darvocet I would have had to have forced her into writing a prescription for two medicines that could've killed me. And I left.
Monday, November 25, 2013
The Ever Enlightening Secrets of Mana.
Growing up
my favorite video game was Secret of Mana on Super Nintendo. The hero in it
finds out all at once that he is special, of great importance, one of a chosen
few who held such a special place in that world. That always jived with how I felt about
myself, and what I wanted the differences in me to mean.
I wanted it
to mean that there was some great calling, some amazing event that I would not
only partake in, but cause, drive, and, see through. Something so life
changing...world changing, that the people who questioned my importance would
stand in silence awestruck by the knowledge that what happened was real.
I don't
remember what I used to call him, as each time I played through I gave him a
name that resembled who I was at that time, but it was me. The whole thing. His
closest friends mocked him for being different, his surrogate father
treated him like he didn't belong there. His real father had disappeared on
some sort of hopeless quest reappearing too late to do anything other than sum
up what was already learned up until that point. All of it...
And at the
very beginning of the game, as he finds out his importance he is blamed for all
hell breaking loose, charged with fixing it, and banished from the only home
he'd ever known.
"Have everything
you need?"
[Yes]
"You are hereby
banished from Potos village. Now get out of here!"
This has
been a recurring theme in my life, as I'm sure it is in many other peoples. Different
lives, different friends, different surroundings.
" But time flows
like a river...and history repeats."
I've been banished from Potos more times than I can count
now, and I am currently recovering from the most recent. My home, my
family, my world once again taken from me, and I can never go back. These
aren't just words. Sometimes it kills me inside so much that I have to remind
myself that I can't get back there just to put to rest the possibility. It was so bad that for the first 4 months I had to convince myself it was true as I woke.
My family
recently shattered. My surrogate father no longer a part of my life. My
original father present but too late to do anything but narrate cohesively what
I already know to be true with some questionable variables. My home left
behind. Banished from what I knew. again...
But in the
game none of the hero's importance, none of his significance comes through until he is
banished from his home unable to return.
So tonight
I was hoping. That this...this is when mine comes through for me. I am in a new job
that is enabling me to move on with my life, with the woman I love whom I hope to have a family with, and break the curse as a father that I endured as a son. Now that I
am out of the reach of my surrogates father's negative perceptions of me I am slowly
realizing my potential, my worth, and my place in a world where I may or may
not belong.
There is
nothing about me that is normal, or believable for that matter. All of the
things that make me up seem like they could be made up by an overzealous writer
who's biggest flaw is writing characters with too much going on. It's like I
don't exist, sometimes it's like I shouldn't, but what I'm starting to realize
is...
If I am
real...and what I say is true...if what I can do lives up to even half of what
some of the people around me think I can...then I must be destined for
something. Something much more than I have ever given myself credit for before.
So now here
I am in a place somewhere between the pain of leaving Potos, and the knowledge
that I am on my way to something more. Where I will go places, meet people, and
do things I would never have the courage or honor of doing if I hadn't been given the
benefaction of being banished...from a place where I was just...that weird kid in
Potos wondering why I was so different, and waiting for some sign of my own
importance.
So I guess
for that I should thank you.
so...thank you.
Now I'm off to find my Mana Sword.
-thatonewolf
Soundtrack part 1:
Soundtrack part 1:
Soundtrack part 2:
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Emotions, senses, and staying power in Aspies (A page from the handbook for Nuerotypicals as written by me) Man that's a long title.
So far this week at work I have been shot in the eye with a laser scanner
(For a joke), had the Best Buy alarms go off right next to me many times, Been
pulled in a billion directions, and lastly had my new boss show up randomly
with another higher up and tear our part of the store apart and put it back
together because everything was apparently wrong.
Now, I do have the ability to act nuerotypical better than most Aspie people, and I do have a high tolerance to most of these things even though some can break through my defenses. There is no blocking a laser hitting your eye, and it immediately causing a sharp pain in various brain areas. (not joking), and the alarm when it's so close causes more pain in my ears, chest, and head.
Add on the stress of the random boss showing up (who himself was stressing out, with the other guy)
They both were very business oriented, straight to business oriented...Which I understand but at the same time is another set of rules I'm not overly understanding of or happy with. But I play along, listen to the grade A overly simplified explanations of how things work. "You know, how you walk into a store in California, and new York and they look the same, that's what we are going for." dO_ob...yeah?
Sometimes I'm too smart for my own good I guess, but the point of all of this, long winded or not is that these sensory issues stay long after the stimuli leaves. Our senses: Taste, touch, smell, hearing, sight, and emotions all have a ridiculous staying power. I felt where the laser hit my eye for 2 days. The first second of the alarms instills a shock that lasts for a good 30 minutes to an hour, not to mention the actual sound leaving a ringing that may last just as long.
The emotional stuff like stress, anger, fear, as well as the good emotions can last quite a while after (the negative ones last longer and often burn stronger) So having those higher ups around lasted well into the night after they left. They are cool guys mind you, but their stress is catching is all I'm saying.
Yes I know. Aspie people are not supposed to be able to feel/show emotion which by the way is completely wrong. In the original diagnoses yes we can't "show" emotion, and we have trouble understanding others, but A: that doesn't mean we don't' have our own, and B: as we learn the reasoning behind others emotions they weigh so heavily on us that we sometimes cannot distinguish them from our own.
And again all of these things stay with us for hours if not days. I do have a ridiculous defense built up to where I can withstand almost everything that's thrown at me, but even still there's a limit. I mean I can get cussed out by a customer, maintain my composure and even talk them down, but the implications of a boss being upset about how things are running, or being pulled over by cops, or interviews, any situation that matters there is a huge stress level.
So no matter how high functions the person you are talking to is please do realize that to you it's just a loud noise, or an angry customer, or a "stressful" boss. For us it's the worst version of all of that, plus all the flickering screens, billions of noises, emotions, and most of us also sense/feel light on our skin as well which is pretty annoying. So add on to the fact that all of these things are long lasting, and it's not overly fun. Imagine listening to 5 songs from various genres, and then having a reverb and an echo on them.
All I'm saying is, you have to realize that this isn't just "the world" for us, it's not as easy as it is for everyone else. We have to put on a shell, block out as much as we can, and face some things head on. All that being said, I see this more as an out of control superpower, than a disability. Just saying.
Now, I do have the ability to act nuerotypical better than most Aspie people, and I do have a high tolerance to most of these things even though some can break through my defenses. There is no blocking a laser hitting your eye, and it immediately causing a sharp pain in various brain areas. (not joking), and the alarm when it's so close causes more pain in my ears, chest, and head.
Add on the stress of the random boss showing up (who himself was stressing out, with the other guy)
They both were very business oriented, straight to business oriented...Which I understand but at the same time is another set of rules I'm not overly understanding of or happy with. But I play along, listen to the grade A overly simplified explanations of how things work. "You know, how you walk into a store in California, and new York and they look the same, that's what we are going for." dO_ob...yeah?
Sometimes I'm too smart for my own good I guess, but the point of all of this, long winded or not is that these sensory issues stay long after the stimuli leaves. Our senses: Taste, touch, smell, hearing, sight, and emotions all have a ridiculous staying power. I felt where the laser hit my eye for 2 days. The first second of the alarms instills a shock that lasts for a good 30 minutes to an hour, not to mention the actual sound leaving a ringing that may last just as long.
The emotional stuff like stress, anger, fear, as well as the good emotions can last quite a while after (the negative ones last longer and often burn stronger) So having those higher ups around lasted well into the night after they left. They are cool guys mind you, but their stress is catching is all I'm saying.
Yes I know. Aspie people are not supposed to be able to feel/show emotion which by the way is completely wrong. In the original diagnoses yes we can't "show" emotion, and we have trouble understanding others, but A: that doesn't mean we don't' have our own, and B: as we learn the reasoning behind others emotions they weigh so heavily on us that we sometimes cannot distinguish them from our own.
And again all of these things stay with us for hours if not days. I do have a ridiculous defense built up to where I can withstand almost everything that's thrown at me, but even still there's a limit. I mean I can get cussed out by a customer, maintain my composure and even talk them down, but the implications of a boss being upset about how things are running, or being pulled over by cops, or interviews, any situation that matters there is a huge stress level.
So no matter how high functions the person you are talking to is please do realize that to you it's just a loud noise, or an angry customer, or a "stressful" boss. For us it's the worst version of all of that, plus all the flickering screens, billions of noises, emotions, and most of us also sense/feel light on our skin as well which is pretty annoying. So add on to the fact that all of these things are long lasting, and it's not overly fun. Imagine listening to 5 songs from various genres, and then having a reverb and an echo on them.
All I'm saying is, you have to realize that this isn't just "the world" for us, it's not as easy as it is for everyone else. We have to put on a shell, block out as much as we can, and face some things head on. All that being said, I see this more as an out of control superpower, than a disability. Just saying.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Pretzel Hot Dog Kolache
~ Pretzel Hot Dog Kolache ~
Ingredients:
8-12 hot dogs, or 6-8 sausages1 1/2 cups warm water
2 tablespoons light brown sugar, white sugar, or honey
1 package active dry yeast (2 1/4 teaspoons)
3 ounces unsalted butter, melted
2 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
4 1/2 to 5 cups all-purpose flour
Vegetable oil
3 quarts water
3/4 cup baking soda
1 whole egg, beaten with 1 tablespoon cold water
Coarse sea salt
Directions:
Combine the water, sugar, yeast, and butter in the bowl of a stand mixer and mix with the dough hook until combined. Let sit for 5 minutes.Add the salt and flour and mix on low speed until combined. Increase the speed to medium and continue kneading until the dough is smooth and begins to pull away from the side of the bowl, about 3 to 4 minutes. If the dough appears too wet, add additional flour, 1 tablespoon at a time. Remove the dough from the bowl, place on a flat surface and knead into a ball with your hands.
Oil a bowl with vegetable oil, add the dough and turn to coat with the oil. Cover with a clean towel or plastic wrap and place in a warm spot until the dough doubles in size, about 1 hour.
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
Bring the water to a boil in a small roasting pan over high heat and add the baking soda.
Remove the dough from the bowl and place on a flat surface.
(here is where we deviate)
Boil the pretzel kolaches in the water solution in batches of 2. Boil for about 30 seconds. Remove with a large slotted spoon. Place on a baking sheet that has been sprayed with cooking spray. Make sure they are not touching. Brush the tops with the egg wash and season liberally with the salt. Place into the oven and bake for 15 to 18 minutes until golden brown.
(Original dough recipe by http://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/homemade-soft-pretzel-bites/)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Shady as the Tree is long...what?
I have been doing a lot of
thinking lately. About things I have been ignoring for a long time. Walking
through the world with a wall up, apathetic to peoples reactions to me for so
long. After all one of the lessons I have learned from neurotypical people is
"Who cares what they think?" and "screw em'"
Well here's the problem...I'm tired. So tired of being misunderstood. Constantly, and consistently. I'm tired of being kind hearted, and guiltless, and being treated like a dangerous person, a liar, or a criminal every where I go. And most of all I am completely sick to my stomach of hearing about how what I think I am perceiving can't possibly be what I am perceiving. Because honestly there is no way to misconstrue they way people act toward me.
Cops pull me over because I'm "acting suspicious," and even sometimes ask to search my car. When I walk into a store alone and look around like everyone else I am singled out by employees as the guy to watch. Look out guys, I might walk out with this washer dryer combo. When other kids cheated off me in school I was the one who was blamed even though I was the smarter student.
I've turned in papers for class and been accused of plagiarism in front of the entire class. "We need to have a little chat about plagiarism Mr. McConnell." Well...please do go on. I've written over 100 songs, and several stories." And after a spur of the moment in class writing assignment the class stood silences by what I wrote and was forced to read.
When I offer people advice I am asked "oh yeah?...did you just make that up?" or "where did you hear that?" in a tone of complete disregard. When I give an opinion at all it often falls on def ears in classes, in public, with random individuals.
In interviews I am often asked if my resume is real, or if I made anything up. "I'm sorry where exactly did I write astronaut farmer on here?" Also...A horrid figure from my past who was closest to me convinced everyone around me that I was some monster who abused her, and stole money from her.
She succeeded quit well I might add, turning my closest friends against me, and the majority of the classmates that I grew up from middle school with. Yet no charges were ever filed because I had never done any of it. Which bring up the question. Why?
Why is it so easy to believe this? To see me as untrustworthy, a liar, a fake, someone with no honor, a monster, a fiend, I can't think of a worse word at the moment but "____" <- whatever goes there. I have a theory. More fact than theory at this point but here goes...
As a child I got mocked endlessly, and no matter how I tried to fit in it continued. I can remember in kindergarten not being allowed to play with the other kids because I was "different," all the way to middle school where I was given permission from my assistant principle to fight back against the people picking on me, and so on.
But the entire time growing up I was learning. Learning what sarcasm was, and that people lie, and do not have your best interest in mind. Learning that there was some sort of class system I was not a part of, and that even within the system there were people in other classes who could not be a part of higher ones. I.e. Popular and unpopular.
And most of all...learning what NOT to do so I could limit the amount I was singled out and mocked.
Let me break down how that feels. You show up to the same situation, remember all the bad things that happened the last time you tried to interact in that situation, and what went wrong. You plan out what you are going to say and do based on what happened before.
the entire time in constant fear of being "outed" or "found out." You try a different approach this time...get a little farther, avoid the inevitable for as long as you can, and there...right there that's the problem.
You see the more you try to act normal, and emulate people, the more you seem like your hiding something. Your not being yourself, you must be a fake. You must have mal intent. You must be here for a malicious purpose. No...actually I just wanted a coffee, and now to be left alone.
I am pretending to be neurotypical, and these days I am pretty good at it, but every single time I go out. unless it's a place where I am a regular and the people have gotten time to get to know me, I am looked at with fear, or distrust.
And for the people (like some of the people close to me) who think it's some sort of distorted perspective I say this...
"Oh you've got the paperwork for your sticker that's out? ok...Do you mind if I search your car?" is not a normal response from a cop if they think your an upright guy.
"So um...everything on your resume is correct right? I wouldn't want to look into anything and embarrass anybody." is not an appropriate or normal interview question unless you think the person is misrepresenting themselves.
When they get your order wrong at a restaurant, and you tell them about it, aren't they supposed to fix it instead of accusing you of ordering something and then saying you just don't want it? Even when your receipt says different?
And managers don't just send employees to have their conversation closer to a person unless they believe that person has the intent of stealing.
I have millions more in my head but that's just it. If my "perception" is skewed in ANY way, it's in by being told that the things I know to be true are somehow being misunderstood by me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to believe in yourself when every idiot around you believes what you are perceiving with your own cognitive ability is flat out wrong? That's what I call Twilight Zoning someone, and it is killing me. It's like learning a language and having someone who speaks it tell you everything you are saying is incorrect when it's not.
Don't we all want to be understood? To have our opinions validated by people we respect? To be credited with years of staying out of trouble, and doing the right thing? To have people around you who are proud of the person you actually are instead of accusing you of being a person your not?
A lot of these things seem to be missing from my life and I don't know how to take it or what to do about it. I am at a point where the people around me are tired of hearing about it...Well you know what? I'm tired of talking about it. Hell I'm tired of having it to talk about.
I do have a few good friends who understand me the majority of the time and I am grateful for them, but my fiancé is the only person who has been able to understand me for who I am. She knows what I am and that everything about me defines me. She allows me to be myself, and unfortunately...until somebody decides that I am worth hiring, she is an hour away from me at all times. That's why this matters so much to me.
Because the people that I need to impress...to get the job I need...to live the life I want...with the girl I love...they need to know that I can get the job done, that I am extremely talented in numerous ways, that if they hire me they will have one of the most outstanding people in their employ they have ever had, and most importantly (which is the issue here) that I'm not a liar or a criminal.
And yes I do have aspergers, but that is not everything about me. I am a chef, a multi-instrument musician, a graphic artist, a kung-fu practitioner, a gamer, at times a writer, a good friend, and a loving fiancé. And I am in no way a pessimist, though I do get depressed by factual things at times as they happen...
which last time I checked was just called "being sad." But hmm maybe that's just my "perception"? I think if people put a little more effort into understand who I know I am, instead of who they think I am...You know. I have no idea. I'm going to sleep. I hope this helps somebody whether it's a neurotypical trying to understand, or an Aspie needing understanding as much as I am.
Written in one sitting and not reread. Thought it was spell checked.
-thatonewolf
Well here's the problem...I'm tired. So tired of being misunderstood. Constantly, and consistently. I'm tired of being kind hearted, and guiltless, and being treated like a dangerous person, a liar, or a criminal every where I go. And most of all I am completely sick to my stomach of hearing about how what I think I am perceiving can't possibly be what I am perceiving. Because honestly there is no way to misconstrue they way people act toward me.
Cops pull me over because I'm "acting suspicious," and even sometimes ask to search my car. When I walk into a store alone and look around like everyone else I am singled out by employees as the guy to watch. Look out guys, I might walk out with this washer dryer combo. When other kids cheated off me in school I was the one who was blamed even though I was the smarter student.
I've turned in papers for class and been accused of plagiarism in front of the entire class. "We need to have a little chat about plagiarism Mr. McConnell." Well...please do go on. I've written over 100 songs, and several stories." And after a spur of the moment in class writing assignment the class stood silences by what I wrote and was forced to read.
When I offer people advice I am asked "oh yeah?...did you just make that up?" or "where did you hear that?" in a tone of complete disregard. When I give an opinion at all it often falls on def ears in classes, in public, with random individuals.
In interviews I am often asked if my resume is real, or if I made anything up. "I'm sorry where exactly did I write astronaut farmer on here?" Also...A horrid figure from my past who was closest to me convinced everyone around me that I was some monster who abused her, and stole money from her.
She succeeded quit well I might add, turning my closest friends against me, and the majority of the classmates that I grew up from middle school with. Yet no charges were ever filed because I had never done any of it. Which bring up the question. Why?
Why is it so easy to believe this? To see me as untrustworthy, a liar, a fake, someone with no honor, a monster, a fiend, I can't think of a worse word at the moment but "____" <- whatever goes there. I have a theory. More fact than theory at this point but here goes...
As a child I got mocked endlessly, and no matter how I tried to fit in it continued. I can remember in kindergarten not being allowed to play with the other kids because I was "different," all the way to middle school where I was given permission from my assistant principle to fight back against the people picking on me, and so on.
But the entire time growing up I was learning. Learning what sarcasm was, and that people lie, and do not have your best interest in mind. Learning that there was some sort of class system I was not a part of, and that even within the system there were people in other classes who could not be a part of higher ones. I.e. Popular and unpopular.
And most of all...learning what NOT to do so I could limit the amount I was singled out and mocked.
Let me break down how that feels. You show up to the same situation, remember all the bad things that happened the last time you tried to interact in that situation, and what went wrong. You plan out what you are going to say and do based on what happened before.
the entire time in constant fear of being "outed" or "found out." You try a different approach this time...get a little farther, avoid the inevitable for as long as you can, and there...right there that's the problem.
You see the more you try to act normal, and emulate people, the more you seem like your hiding something. Your not being yourself, you must be a fake. You must have mal intent. You must be here for a malicious purpose. No...actually I just wanted a coffee, and now to be left alone.
I am pretending to be neurotypical, and these days I am pretty good at it, but every single time I go out. unless it's a place where I am a regular and the people have gotten time to get to know me, I am looked at with fear, or distrust.
And for the people (like some of the people close to me) who think it's some sort of distorted perspective I say this...
"Oh you've got the paperwork for your sticker that's out? ok...Do you mind if I search your car?" is not a normal response from a cop if they think your an upright guy.
"So um...everything on your resume is correct right? I wouldn't want to look into anything and embarrass anybody." is not an appropriate or normal interview question unless you think the person is misrepresenting themselves.
When they get your order wrong at a restaurant, and you tell them about it, aren't they supposed to fix it instead of accusing you of ordering something and then saying you just don't want it? Even when your receipt says different?
And managers don't just send employees to have their conversation closer to a person unless they believe that person has the intent of stealing.
I have millions more in my head but that's just it. If my "perception" is skewed in ANY way, it's in by being told that the things I know to be true are somehow being misunderstood by me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to believe in yourself when every idiot around you believes what you are perceiving with your own cognitive ability is flat out wrong? That's what I call Twilight Zoning someone, and it is killing me. It's like learning a language and having someone who speaks it tell you everything you are saying is incorrect when it's not.
Don't we all want to be understood? To have our opinions validated by people we respect? To be credited with years of staying out of trouble, and doing the right thing? To have people around you who are proud of the person you actually are instead of accusing you of being a person your not?
A lot of these things seem to be missing from my life and I don't know how to take it or what to do about it. I am at a point where the people around me are tired of hearing about it...Well you know what? I'm tired of talking about it. Hell I'm tired of having it to talk about.
I do have a few good friends who understand me the majority of the time and I am grateful for them, but my fiancé is the only person who has been able to understand me for who I am. She knows what I am and that everything about me defines me. She allows me to be myself, and unfortunately...until somebody decides that I am worth hiring, she is an hour away from me at all times. That's why this matters so much to me.
Because the people that I need to impress...to get the job I need...to live the life I want...with the girl I love...they need to know that I can get the job done, that I am extremely talented in numerous ways, that if they hire me they will have one of the most outstanding people in their employ they have ever had, and most importantly (which is the issue here) that I'm not a liar or a criminal.
And yes I do have aspergers, but that is not everything about me. I am a chef, a multi-instrument musician, a graphic artist, a kung-fu practitioner, a gamer, at times a writer, a good friend, and a loving fiancé. And I am in no way a pessimist, though I do get depressed by factual things at times as they happen...
which last time I checked was just called "being sad." But hmm maybe that's just my "perception"? I think if people put a little more effort into understand who I know I am, instead of who they think I am...You know. I have no idea. I'm going to sleep. I hope this helps somebody whether it's a neurotypical trying to understand, or an Aspie needing understanding as much as I am.
Written in one sitting and not reread. Thought it was spell checked.
-thatonewolf
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Interview With an Update.
I figured I would write a little update.
Some of you (if there are some of you) may have heard that I
had an interview today. It was with a job placement firm for a Video Game Level
Design (3D modeler) The interview went well though I was a little nervous. A
very strange situation job placement companies are and yet I've done 3-4
interviews with various placement firms and gotten literally nowhere. Mostly
because they claimed I was under qualified, or they didn't have the type of
jobs I was after.
However this seemed different. The interview went well, and I
handled myself and presented myself as best I could. The interviewer was nice
though I picked up on some subtle changes I wasn't sure about. She said she
thought I would be great for the 3D modeler job, and she was going to send my
paperwork and portfolio over, but she also offered me a chance to do a quote
for a Professional facebook creating job for an oil company which may or may
not be a full time thing.
Either way, I'm hoping to do either or, or both. I'm trying
to make enough to pay bills, pay off any debts, and save up to move on with my fiancé.
She's been counting on me, as have my family, and It's about time my hard work
paid off. My family has been struggling lately with earth shattering changes,
and there are emotions a plenty around me. Me getting this going will definitely
be the change I was fighting for.
I am also halfway through my two month candida kill-off diet. My stomach is flatter, my mind works faster (when I've had sleep), and I feel better. Still taking GABA, and probiotics, and fiber. More on all that later. Anyways.
I am also halfway through my two month candida kill-off diet. My stomach is flatter, my mind works faster (when I've had sleep), and I feel better. Still taking GABA, and probiotics, and fiber. More on all that later. Anyways.
Signed, The wolf minded aspie
-Thatonewolf
P.s. Expect more Animation projects from me. Here is my first animated short, if you missed it.
-Thatonewolf
P.s. Expect more Animation projects from me. Here is my first animated short, if you missed it.
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