Friday, February 21, 2014

Use your words...Use your words...

Foreward: I DO have people who care about me and understand me including my fiance. And there are people I see and meet who act fine around me, but for everyone else this pretty much applies. I do see myself as something other than human because A: I do have aspergers, and B: Because I have rarely been treated like "one of us."  If you read this and think I'm crazy, you are probably stupid and part of the problem. In that case I do "apologize" for being "wrong" about things that I know to be true. Enjoy.
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Use my words...? Use my words?...Ok.

As someone with Autism I have tried for 29 years (give or take) to adopt this foreign culture. The human culture (just go with it). To learn things like sarcasm, lies, flawed logic, and reasoning. When to do what, when not to say or to say something. Yet here I am in the same boat I was at the beginning.

When I open my mouth around humans, (unless they interact with me on a daily basis), they hear what I say, but rearranged into a completely different meaning.

I say: "I can't believe this stupid commercial forcing that kid to portray the old stereotype of the whiny Jewish person."
They hear: "I hate whiny Jewish people."
All of the sudden I have a break room full of Best Buy people staring at me like a neo nazi.

(More examples at the end of this blog.)

The point is....I get it. I'm not to be trusted. I'm not to be played with. I'm not part of the group, I can't be part of the team, and I can't take part in any reindeer games. All because of the idiotic misconception that I'm some sort of monster. Well I'm not a monster. I'm a wolf amongst dogs. I'm like you, but only enough to scare you. I exist in the Uncanny valley which by definition is...

"The uncanny valley is a hypothesis in the field of human aesthetics which holds that when human features look and move almost, but not exactly, like natural human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among some human observers." This term is usually reserved for 3D animations, and robots but yeah...Pretty much the same here.

So again...I see you ignoring me. I see you working and playing with other people who may not even have what I have to offer if only to avoid working or playing with me. I'm not an idiot. Just a monster. I've had 20 people claim they were going to vouch for me at their job and try to get me in. Not one of those had any follow through. They just went right back to avoidance. Cowardice.

Nobody writes me back when I apply for jobs, nobody writes me back when I write them on facebook, or linkedin, or any other site, and most of the time when I speak to someone in person they act like I have no right to do so, and question the legitimacy of everything I say. Standing there trying to find out just exactly how I'm trying to trick them or screw them over with my statements of things I suggest, or places I talk about.

Yeah I told you about Chinatown just you can go randomly some day and somehow I'll just know, and be there to mug you or something. Makes perfect sense. Why else would I have told you about it?

No I totally told you about Glucosomine to trick you into taking something poisonous that they sell at every grocery store on the planet, and not because you were talking about how your joints hurting when you dance. Take the advice and shut up.

I mean, do these people hear themselves talk? I can't even go to a restaurant, and order without having some stupid human act like I'm trying to trick them with their stupid fearful face. The look. The stupid look on these peoples faces.

29 years of the same stupid face. Every person I meet has the same stupid look on their face when they think something is up. A cross between disbelief, worrying, cockiness, and revulsion. A similar look you would get as a nerdy guy approaching the popular girls tablet. (Half the time with no cockiness.) But always the same stupid look.

Imagine how lonely it is...Seriously sit down and think about it. I am in a really screwed up Twilight Zone episode where nobody understand who I am and what I am saying, and the people who do are only right about it at best 70% of the time. There is a loneliness that comes with this that I don't think anybody I know can understand other than maybe my fiance.

Which goes right back to how I can't explain to somebody well enough for them to understand me to begin with, aaaaaand cyclical... The end. I'm done writing this. Enjoy the extra misunderstandings.

Example 2.

I say: "The band before us had an awesome set. Let's hear it for them." Then go on to apologize in advance that my music is not something you would hear on the radio. saying "we aren't like your favorite band"

They hear: "The band before us was a generic band you would hear on the radio and we aren't like that" I then go outside after I play to see they drew a male member on my vehicle and called me the name one would call such member.

Example 3.

The dentist writes me 2 prescriptions that I am allergic to. A pain killer, and a antibiotic. I don't notice this until I reach the CVS. I inform one of the pharmasists whho informs me they would have to call my dentist. I agreed. While I waited there they called her, and another pharmasist was playing "telephone" for me and the dentist.

"She asking if you know Drug A."- her

"I don't know...."-me

 "mhm...what about drug B?"-her.

"Yeah...again. No idea I'm not a dentist. I told them what I am allergic to. Have them presribe whatever."-me

"Oh well what about Darvocet..." -her.

"Um...I don't know I may have had that after surgery one time."-me

(Lowering her voice and making it sound like she had caught me she says to the dentist...)
"He said yeah...that would work." as if I was a drug seeker, and they had found me out.

I told them to forget the pain meds, and give me the antibiotics. I show up a week later to the dentist and she refuses to treat me. informs me that I had arisen suspicions by saying. "we don't just give out Darvocet to people with minor tooth pain." to which I replied. "Ok yeah...I didn't ask for Darvocet."
"Well they said you did."-her.

I recited to her the exact goings on at CVS and informed her of the idiot pharmacists little farce. She was unwavering. So I finally, brokenheartedly informed her that in order for me to have planned all of this to get Darvocet I would have had to have forced her into writing a prescription for two medicines that could've killed me. And I left.