It has not recently come to my attention, but always been at the
forefront to my attention that most people don't believe a word I say.
Mostly because the things that happen seem impossible, but for some of
those things there were friends present when they happened. So here are a
few impossible things, and some of the people involved. Those friends
can stop by this post and back me up if they feel like it. And also
should remind me of times I missed. So here we go:
(two things you need to know)
*A
doodlabut- is the subspecies of human beings that is often described as
redneck, or hillbilly, but are actually much further down the line and
often inbred. I am not so much making fun of these people as I am
deathly afraid of them because they move and look like zombies and I
can't understand the doodlabut language. (gibberish)
*cornered
wolf syndrome- is my term for the fact that when intoxicated in any way
by medication, lack of sleep, or pain/injury I become extremely snappy
and untrusting of my surroundings. (other triggers are: being downtown
and stressed, and any confrontation with doodlabuts.) *Probably can be
attributed to having aspergers.
My friend Felix has been a close friend for at least 6 years and has been there for quite a large amount of crazy happenings.
1:
In one single day I had a French woman working at woodlands mall demand
that I give her my hat, and repeatedly asked for it as if I would just
give it to her, THEN when we went to Jason's Deli in Humble and I
ordered "roast beef on a bagel with honey mustard and provolone" and I
received a Ruben with avocado and bean sprouts, which (for those of you
who know me) I cannot eat. And when I told the waiter I didn't order it,
a semi-m.r. manager came and told me "you can't just order something
and say you don't want it cause you don't like it." It took 4 min of
arguing and me finally showing her my receipt for her to believe me.
2: On
another occasion me and Felix were eating at Ihop in Humble and a
shirtless sweaty Hispanic guy comes in and demands to see someone who
works there, is asked to leave and then beats on the window from outside
yelling. The manager stated "I'm calling the cops" and within a minute
of her picking up the phone there was a siren outside and he was
handcuffed and arrest.
(There are many more examples of things he's seen happen around me)
3: So
one day me, Felix, and Robert decided to go to Galveston to practice
some kung-fu. We stopped at this place called "The Golden Buddha" which
was a little Chinese place near the seawall. There were no cars in the
parking lot, and we were wondering if they were even open. We walk in,
and see nobody, we wait a minute or so and a seriously stereotypical
fu-man-chu older Chinese guy comes out and sits us with a weird look on
his face. The place looked like a dungeon, and sort of felt twilight
zone-y because he was the only person we saw inside and there was no
noise other than that.
He comes to
take our order and we each picked an entree, and the type of rice we
wanted (steamed/fried) but there was a problem. If you got steamed rice
"you get moe meat" and if you get fried rice you get "less meat", and
even though we got it the first time, he repeated it over and over
getting more and more angry. So when it came to me and I ordered beef
and broccoli and told him I wanted steamed rice, he apparently didn't
believe me. So he begins to explain it again. And when I assured him I
wanted steamed rice he then pointed at the menu and yelled at me "LOOK
AT MENU!" then repeated his mantra about moe and less meat. yelling
every so often "NO AT MENU!"
We honestly though
we were going to die, or he was going to fade away and the place would
suddenly change to a closed down shack with cobwebs. Creepy. So let that
be a lesson to you folks...Look at menu.
4:
2times me and Felix's paths were impeded by an albino armadillo. Once
in Jesse Jones Park a mother or father armadillo greeted us with angry
noises and slammed his hands on the ground telling us to get lost.
Apparently his little ones were nearby. And another time it was pitch
black on 1960 on the way to IHOP with Felix and he's driving, and yet
another albino armadillo runs out in the middle of the road as Felix
swerves to miss him.
5: The red eyed
bird, and his horrible voiced light complexioned cousin. One time in
Jesse Jones park, Felix brought his camera for pictures and we saw a
brownish bird with a long neck standing in the water on the boardwalk.
He took it's picture and in pure horror movie style it opened it's eyes
which were blood red and looked right at him. Seriously scary.
While on the other hand we were training on the beach in Jesse Jones
and we saw this gorgeous white bird with a long neck flying over the
river that runs through there and we stopped to admire it's beauty
(pause here to put fist in the air passionately) But just then...it
spoke. "WUAGGGHLLLKHG" Seriously one of the most horrific sounds ever.
We were in shock. Several weeks later we saw another one and he landed
on a tree on the bank of the river where we could no longer see him. But
apparently several crows could. They were in the tree and apparently
were yelling at him and pecking at him trying to get him to leave. He
kept screaming his weird noise and after being picked on for a minute he
screamed out again throwing his huge wings out and knocking everybody
out of the tree. lol amazing.
I seriously can't remember half of the stuff with me and Patrick (help me out dude)
1: Me
and Patrick found some great steaks for a good price at Humble Walmart
and were thinking of good things to put on it. So we went over by the
cheese and were discussing things until an old grey haired Doodlabut
woman in a motorized shopping cart wheeled up and said in Semi coherent
doodlabut speak "You know if you eat that cheese you'll start laughing" I
froze...and Patrick said "sure does" and we walked off freaked out.
Shortly after, we tried to leave and at the end of the freezer case isle
she drove by in her shopping cart saying "HAHAHA I'M STILL HERE!"
(Continued in Mat Martin's section)
2: At
Los Cucos in Humble me, Patrick, Tori, Kate and David were eating and I
was showing off my new shoes when a shady (I escaped from the asylum
this morning) looking hobo with a knapsack shuffled into the restaurant
and past our table to the patio, where he sat down alone, plopped down
his knapsack, opened it, and rolled his own cigarette after a few
minutes of rocking back and forth and acting strange. At some point he
was asked to leave because he was frightening the customers.
3:
One time me Patrick and David went to a Porter Pawn shop and as we were
walking in, the person in fron of us had a neo nazi swaztika on his
arm and I was like...um...uh oh....but Patrick and David had already
walked in after him. Inside there were two other male neo nazi's one
with a wife and child...It was...hilarious. And somewhat scary.
4:
At "dos gallos" by my grandmother's house (mentioned later In her
section) Me, Patrick, and David were checking out after eating, and an
old man in a zuit suit and matching hat is standing there smiling at us
and swinging a chain (yes like in the old days) Patrick said "how's it
goin?" and a semi laughing way to which the man replied. "I'm giving out
babies for free today...to ladies with glasses of tea...if you know any
ladies who want any babies...just send those ladies to me..." And
walked out swinging his chain. lol We see him in the neighborhood, and
he has apparently hit on my grandmother before. lol
5: Our
first and only time at HB steakhouse in Humble was very Twilight Zone.
First off I ordered hibachi, and Patrick ordered Some sushi. We both got
Dr pepper (actually mine was sprite) Anyways...it took forever for the
hibachi guy to come, and when he did we had been waiting for
refills...and when the refill guy came he filled mine and asked Patrick
"diet coke?"-him
"no...Dr pepper"-Patrick
"diet coke?"-him
"...Dr Pepper.-Patrick
(repeat 9 times)
So the guy pours a drink into Patricks glass and walks off.
The
sushi Patrick ordered is on a plate being walked over by an old
man...but he stops, checks the ticket, looks at patrick, looks at the
sushi, and walks back to the kitchen. Then 5 min later he reapears and
does the same thing and walks off...THEN an old lady confronts him and
brings it to Patrick, Patrick starts to eat the sushi and sips his
drink...what do you know? Diet coke. lol
6:
One time me and Patrick and everyone else were at Waffle house and this
guy came in saying something about a paintball gun, and kids shooting
at him. I think. I'm not sure. He was speaking doodlabut and I could
only understand him for some reason when he was talking directly at me.
He was all sweaty and confusing, and obviously confused. He kept talking
to people like we should know who he is and I couldn't understand any
of it.
7: Another time me and Patrick
were at Golden Corral and despite our ridiculously racist angry waitress
we were having a good time. While a couple sat across from us talking
about something. The girl asks the guy a question, and the guy answered
it still eating. Apparently she already knew the answer, and he lied.
Something about seeing other women. But ANYWAYS. This dude, no joke, as
she is walking away and out the building starts saying
"baby...babe....baby...come on! baby come on!...babe....baby..." while
still shoveling food in his face. He was EATING while beckoning her to
come back...wow. lol
Some of the weirder stuff happens to Tori and not always with me. But here are a few with me.
1:
In Galveston (with Patrick and David and I) A drunk Mexican man who
barely spoke English came and approached us coming out of Joe's crab
shack and I can only describe it as "worshiped her"? Giving her a few
dollars, and some used phone/gift cards.
2:
In Chinatown mall an aging sickly Vietnamese man came and grabbed her
hand and in broken English he barely audibly explained something about
"many died" and "like you." It was quite sad.
Way too many to remember. (help me out David)
1:
In a Chinatown bookstore an older Chinese lady smiles at us as we walk
in and start to look around, but her daughter or possibly granddaughter
says
"uh...can I help you?" in an extremely rude way. I said "oh we just wanted to see what all you have" to which she replied
"um this is a CHINESE book store?" Like we were too stupid to understand that. I either said in English or Chinese
"yeah I know"
and explained that I was in school for it. She followed us around the
store reluctantly showing us but really so she could watch us.
2:
After ordering some of my paintings on smaller picture format from
Porter walmart (mistake) I came to pick them up with David and had zero
sleep. I went to check out with the picture all freaked out and ready to
leave because of all the doodlabuts there and the skipping cd over the
loudspeaker playing 80's music. And I handed the pictures over and am
informed rudely and in an "I caught you!" type manner that I cannot be
sold the pictures because they had had a signature on them and bla bla
bla...and before she could finished I quite precisely and quickly shot
her down by saying in Groucho style and with one breath
"yes you
can, these are my paintings, that is my signature, here is my i.d. with
my signature, here is my graphic design business card, ring it up."
3:One
time at Taco Bell by North Harris I had already ordered my food and
Patrick and David showed up and sat with me waiting saying they didn't
want anything. So I had already waited 5 minutes, and 5 more after they
got there. I went up several times asking about my food, and was told
they would have it right out. I go up there again 5 minutes later and
she tries to hand me the number before me's food (which they made twice)
and I informed her that it wasn't mine and I was the number after
her....just as Patrick and David walked up behind me with their arms
cross looking accidentally menacing....Yeah...I got my food, and was
hastily and fearfully given the food they had accidentally made to
appease the MIGHTY Patrick and David.
Mat has also been around on and off for a long period of time
, and has been astonished by some of the weird things that have happened around me.
1:
A year after the original "if you eat that cheese you'll start
laughing" incident. I told Mat about it, he didn't really believe me and
me and him went to Walmart together. After a minute inside I saw the
SAME woman in a motorized shopping cart, and her daughter (also a
doodlabut) with black long hair in a second motorized shopping cart. I
pointed them out and avoided them out of fear. While in the dairy
section the black haird 40+ year old daughter drives out of nowhere
screaming "MAWMA?! MAWMA!?" as me and Mat froze and looked on. "You SEEN
MY MAWMA?!" It was...terrifying.
2: When
we first moved into the house we are in now, I kept telling my family,
and my friends that every time I get in my car and pull out of the
driveway and angry wasp would pop out of nowhere and attack me. As usual
I got laughed at and ignored. So Mat got in my car and I warned him
about it. He laughed and we pulled out of the driveway and within 30
seconds the wasp came out and attacked him and me until we opened the
window and Mat knocked him outside with his hat.
3: A
few days after the "aint no change machine at the bank" incident at
Porter Kroger me and Mat went back to get a root beer and as we pulled
up in his truck. I "felt" something a little off behind us and looked
back to see a 60+ black man with greying hair and a crazy look in his
eyes running to a getaway car. I told Mat not to turn off the car or get
out as we were stared at menacingly by the guy for 30 seconds until he
got in the getaway car and sped off. As we approached the entrance the
"aint no change machine" lady comes out and frantically asks me and Mat
the make and model of the "getaway" truck. (it was later brought to my
attention that a similar occurrence happened with me and Felix Navarro.)
- Victor Beas and Ifiok Udoh:
After
Japanese class one day (I was explaining a parasitic plant brought back
from extinction and taking over the University of Houston by leeching
off of other plants and trees.) And the subject was changed to how I
understand animals often more than people and how animals seem to focus
more often on me than anyone.
While I was walking, and explaining,
and being looked at by my group of friends strangely we noticed a
pigeon holding a twig and standing by another pigeon. We passed it up
but then I realized he was proposing, so we walked back a few feet and
tried to help him out (since she was being cold hearted and ignoring
him) but he got mad at us.
So we walked to the "mess hall"
just a bit further and were laughing and joking about it when something
even crazier happened. I looked down and a red cardinal is staring
directly at me with a mean look and bucking up to me. And I'm like
"um...can I help you?" and he hopped at me "threateningly" lol So I
jokingly explained to the bird for my friends "you know, they are
standing closer than I am so I don't know what your problem is." And
finally I put my hands up and walked off like "lol ok dude"
- My girlfriend Kandace "Last name pending" Hudson:
1:
While I was waiting for Kandace at willow brook mall in the Sears, I
was looking at the huge refrigerators, and washer/dryer combos. When the
manager walked up to two employees and told them to come watch me. I
know this because I saw him say something to them while looking
concerned about me, and by the fact that nobody who is mid conversation
says "hey let's move over to that specific spot to continue the
conversation" They came and watched me look at things too big to steal
until Kandace walked in and they got an "oh ok" look and walked off as I
explained to her the situation.
2: For
the first several months of our relationship, any time I was driving her
to meet up with her parents, or to her house we would be greeted by a
wreck, or a closed road, or a road block, and we would always be late.
We even had a bat fly past us in the pitch black on our way to her
house.
Often in Porter walmart we end up with weird ones
1:
A little girl in a shopping cart at the checkout counter tells her
mother "look mommy I'm a princess" and her hideously evil mother turns
and with a smoker voice says "You AINT NO PRINCESS" which...was just
wrong.
2: While my mom was doing self
check out I was waiting but the entrance bench looking on, and out of
nowhere a "Doodlabut" guy wearing all cammo with a cammo hat says
something to a woman at the self check out, she says something back, and
he walks toward we with newly sprung tears in his eyes, takes off his
hat and walks past me and out the doors in a way that justified the
playing of the incredible hulk theme.
- Judy Collins "Dadaw" my grandmother.
1:
While visiting the home tour in Galveston she was driving and tried to
turn and out of nowhere a truck almost collides with us. A frantic crazy
lady got out and came and cussed her out, while Dadaw calmly talked her
down. The woman returns to her car and pulls a golf club out of the
passenger side, then waves it at us and gets in the driver side and
drives away.
2: One day at lunch with
dadaw I saw a blue parakeet on the electric wires trying to talk to some
crows and ravens. I told Her about it and she couldn't see them
therefore did not believe me. A day or so later she was listening to
KSBJ on the radio (which broadcasts from just down the road from the
restaurant) and the female dj on the radio was talking about the
underprivileged kids who are going to go to school the coming semester
without the needed school supplies, and how they will feel segregated
from the rest of the kids (unless people donated supplies). She went on
to say that She was reminded of how the kids felt by the
Blue Parakeet outside the window trying so hard to fit in the the crows, and ravens. Dadaw called me and told me about it.
None
of this is as weird as the things that happen when I have been by
myself. Here's a short list of just a few of those occurrences.
1:
I was stopped at Humble Walmart in the ice-cream section by a group of
doodlabut church youth group kids who forced me to take a picture with
them "messing up my hair" for some sort of scavenger hunt. and one of
them said something in doodlabut about me "nawt exshpecting thayut" as
he goofy laughed and walked away.
2: After
buying a new length of chain with Felix for a new chain whip I stopped
for gas on the way home in the middle of the night and had a guy walking
up to me with a knife. so I stood up out of the car and pulled out the 5
feet of chain and he said "oh sorry bro" and walked back into the
shadows. When I told the clerk she didn't say anything but she looked at
me weird. I either called or texted Felix right after that.
3:
One time after making to Randall's in Kingwood, I was on North Park
getting gas on the way home when my tooth started really hurting, enough
for me to become agitated and defensive (cornered wolf syndrome) lol
So...as I'm pumping gas, a drunk redneck woman in a blue truck is also
getting gas at the opposite end. She yells "hey do you got any food?!"
and I ignored her. She kept yelling about it and I ignored her until she
said "HEY LOOK AT MY BOOBIES! DO YOU GOT ANY FOOD?!" and I tucked my
hat down and ignored her.
My teeth were hurting really bad
and I was not in the mood to be messed with. I was focusing on the pain
to try and meditate it away when her boyfriend slams his hand on my
shoulder out of nowhere saying "hey my girl is talking to you". Within a
second the pain got extremely excruciating and I grabbed the guy by the
throat/neck and pinned him against the gas pump...Not joking. I do
believe he peed himself and walked off. I was texting Victor Beas before
during and after this. (I do not like going out alone)
4:
Not to mention the 6 or so times I've been pulled over by cops for
"acting suspicious" and was asked if my car could be searched, and why
I'm acting suspicious. And even having the audacity to come back to the
car pissed off when they find out my record is spotless.
5:
Pulling out of one of the ridiculously far away parking spaces at
University of Houston. (the kind where you actually at a hotel parking
lot) An older grey haired black guy runs in front of my car and motions
me to roll down my window. I crack it a little (no pun intended Dave
Chapelle) and the guy says
"Hey man, I'm not a bum or nothing, I mean...I HAVE money, I just need more money?"-guy
"um...ok? well I'm a broke college student bro, I can't help you."-me
"oh...well can you give me a ride? My wife is down the street and our axle came off our car which is
why I need more money."-guy
"Um...Yeah Actually I need to go...I have um...diabetes...and I need to go home and get my incilin....me.
This dude tells me he doesn't know what diabetes it...I drove off. lol
There
are million more I promise you, but my point is. I'm not a liar. I have
ridiculous things happen to me all the time. It's like it gravitates
towards me. And just because it seems unbelievable doesn't mean it's
impossible. Plus 90% of the reason people don't believe me is apparently
because my aspergers syndrome makes me seem untrustworthy. Even though I
have a clear criminal record and completely clean blood.
(this
does not include millions of childhood misunderstandings and crazy
stuff. Nor does it include some of the more insane things that have
happened in the last 10 years.)
Case and point.
www.wrongplanet.net/postt138285.html
In closing, if you don't believe me. PYAW!