The Ever Enlightening Secrets of Mana.

          Growing up my favorite video game was Secret of Mana on Super Nintendo. The hero in it finds out all at once that he is special, of great importance, one of a chosen few who held such a special place in that world. That always jived with how I felt about myself, and what I wanted the differences in me to mean.

           I wanted it to mean that there was some great calling, some amazing event that I would not only partake in, but cause, drive, and, see through. Something so life changing...world changing, that the people who questioned my importance would stand in silence awestruck by the knowledge that what happened was real.

            I don't remember what I used to call him, as each time I played through I gave him a name that resembled who I was at that time, but it was me. The whole thing. His closest friends mocked him for being different, his surrogate father treated him like he didn't belong there. His real father had disappeared on some sort of hopeless quest reappearing too late to do anything other than sum up what was already learned up until that point. All of it...

            And at the very beginning of the game, as he finds out his importance he is blamed for all hell breaking loose, charged with fixing it, and banished from the only home he'd ever known.

"Have everything you need?"

[Yes]

"You are hereby banished from Potos village. Now get out of here!"

            This has been a recurring theme in my life, as I'm sure it is in many other peoples. Different lives, different friends, different surroundings.

" But time flows like a river...and history repeats."

           I've been banished from Potos more times than I can count now, and I am currently recovering from the most recent. My home, my family, my world once again taken from me, and I can never go back. These aren't just words. Sometimes it kills me inside so much that I have to remind myself that I can't get back there just to put to rest the possibility. It was so bad that for the first 4 months I had to convince myself it was true as I woke.

            My family recently shattered. My surrogate father no longer a part of my life. My original father present but too late to do anything but narrate cohesively what I already know to be true with some questionable variables. My home left behind. Banished from what I knew. again...

            But in the game none of the hero's importance, none of his significance comes through until he is banished from his home unable to return.

            So tonight I was hoping. That this...this is when mine comes through for me. I am in a new job that is enabling me to move on with my life, with the woman I love whom I hope to have a family with, and break the curse as a father that I endured as a son. Now that I am out of the reach of my surrogates father's negative perceptions of me I am slowly realizing my potential, my worth, and my place in a world where I may or may not belong.

            There is nothing about me that is normal, or believable for that matter. All of the things that make me up seem like they could be made up by an overzealous writer who's biggest flaw is writing characters with too much going on. It's like I don't exist, sometimes it's like I shouldn't, but what I'm starting to realize is...

            If I am real...and what I say is true...if what I can do lives up to even half of what some of the people around me think I can...then I must be destined for something. Something much more than I have ever given myself credit for before.

            So now here I am in a place somewhere between the pain of leaving Potos, and the knowledge that I am on my way to something more. Where I will go places, meet people, and do things I would never have the courage or honor of doing if I hadn't been given the benefaction of being banished...from a place where I was just...that weird kid in Potos wondering why I was so different, and waiting for some sign of my own importance.

  

 So I guess for that I should thank you.

so...thank you. 

Now I'm off to find my Mana Sword.

-thatonewolf



Soundtrack part 1:

Soundtrack part 2:

Emotions, senses, and staying power in Aspies (A page from the handbook for Nuerotypicals as written by me) Man that's a long title.

So far this week at work I have been shot in the eye with a laser scanner (For a joke), had the Best Buy alarms go off right next to me many times, Been pulled in a billion directions, and lastly had my new boss show up randomly with another higher up and tear our part of the store apart and put it back together because everything was apparently wrong.

Now, I do have the ability to act nuerotypical better than most Aspie people, and I do have a high tolerance to most of these things even though some can break through my defenses. There is no blocking a laser hitting your eye, and it immediately causing a sharp pain in various brain areas. (not joking), and the alarm when it's so close causes more pain in my ears, chest, and head.
Add on the stress of the random boss showing up (who himself was stressing out, with the other guy)

They both were very business oriented, straight to business oriented...Which I understand but at the same time is another set of rules I'm not overly understanding of or happy with. But I play along, listen to the grade A overly simplified explanations of how things work. "You know, how you walk into a store in California, and new York and they look the same, that's what we are going for." dO_ob...yeah?

Sometimes I'm too smart for my own good I guess, but the point of all of this, long winded or not is that these sensory issues stay long after the stimuli leaves. Our senses: Taste, touch, smell, hearing, sight, and emotions all have a ridiculous staying power. I felt where the laser hit my eye for 2 days. The first second of the alarms instills a shock that lasts for a good 30 minutes to an hour, not to mention the actual sound leaving a ringing that may last just as long.

The emotional stuff like stress, anger, fear, as well as the good emotions can last quite a while after (the negative ones last longer and often burn stronger) So having those higher ups around lasted well into the night after they left. They are cool guys mind you, but their stress is catching is all I'm saying.

Yes I know. Aspie people are not supposed to be able to feel/show emotion which by the way is completely wrong. In the original diagnoses yes we can't "show" emotion, and we have trouble understanding others, but A: that doesn't mean we don't' have our own, and B: as we learn the reasoning behind others emotions they weigh so heavily on us that we sometimes cannot distinguish them from our own.

And again all of these things stay with us for hours if not days. I do have a ridiculous defense built up to where I can withstand almost everything that's thrown at me, but even still there's a limit. I mean I can get cussed out by a customer, maintain my composure and even talk them down, but the implications of a boss being upset about how things are running, or being pulled over by cops, or interviews, any situation that matters there is a huge stress level.

So no matter how high functions the person you are talking to is please do realize that to you it's just a loud noise, or an angry customer, or a "stressful" boss. For us it's the worst version of all of that, plus all the flickering screens, billions of noises, emotions, and most of us also sense/feel light on our skin as well which is pretty annoying. So add on to the fact that all of these things are long lasting, and it's not overly fun. Imagine listening to 5 songs from various genres, and then having a reverb and an echo on them.

All I'm saying is, you have to realize that this isn't just "the world" for us, it's not as easy as it is for everyone else. We have to put on a shell, block out as much as we can, and face some things head on. All that being said, I see this more as an out of control superpower, than a disability. Just saying.

Pretzel Hot Dog Kolache

~ Pretzel Hot Dog Kolache ~

Ingredients:

8-12 hot dogs, or 6-8 sausages
1 1/2 cups warm water
2 tablespoons light brown sugar, white sugar, or honey
1 package active dry yeast (2 1/4 teaspoons)
3 ounces unsalted butter, melted
2 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
4 1/2 to 5 cups all-purpose flour
Vegetable oil
3 quarts water
3/4 cup baking soda
1 whole egg, beaten with 1 tablespoon cold water
Coarse sea salt

Directions:

Combine the water, sugar, yeast, and butter in the bowl of a stand mixer and mix with the dough hook until combined. Let sit for 5 minutes.

Add the salt and flour and mix on low speed until combined. Increase the speed to medium and continue kneading until the dough is smooth and begins to pull away from the side of the bowl, about 3 to 4 minutes. If the dough appears too wet, add additional flour, 1 tablespoon at a time. Remove the dough from the bowl, place on a flat surface and knead into a ball with your hands.
Oil a bowl with vegetable oil, add the dough and turn to coat with the oil. Cover with a clean towel or plastic wrap and place in a warm spot until the dough doubles in size, about 1 hour.
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Bring the water to a boil in a small roasting pan over high heat and add the baking soda.
Remove the dough from the bowl and place on a flat surface.

(here is where we deviate)

Cut the dough ball into 4 parts, and then cut each of those in half to make 8 (or the amount you need for your hot dogs/sausage. Flatten each piece of dough wider, and longer than the hotdog/sausage you have, and lay the dogs/sausage in the dough wrapping it in the dough like a Kolache.

Boil the pretzel kolaches in the water solution in batches of 2. Boil for about 30 seconds. Remove with a large slotted spoon. Place on a baking sheet that has been sprayed with cooking spray. Make sure they are not touching. Brush the tops with the egg wash and season liberally with the salt. Place into the oven and bake for 15 to 18 minutes until golden brown.


(Original dough recipe by http://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/homemade-soft-pretzel-bites/)

Shady as the Tree is long...what?

            I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. About things I have been ignoring for a long time. Walking through the world with a wall up, apathetic to peoples reactions to me for so long. After all one of the lessons I have learned from neurotypical people is "Who cares what they think?" and "screw em'"

            Well here's the problem...I'm tired. So tired of being misunderstood. Constantly, and consistently. I'm tired of being kind hearted, and guiltless, and being treated like a dangerous person, a liar, or a criminal every where I go. And most of all I am completely sick to my stomach of hearing about how what I think I am perceiving can't possibly be what I am perceiving. Because honestly there is no way to misconstrue they way people act toward me.

            Cops pull me over because I'm "acting suspicious," and even sometimes ask to search my car. When I walk into a store alone and look around like everyone else I am singled out by employees as the guy to watch. Look out guys, I might walk out with this washer dryer combo. When other kids cheated off me in school I was the one who was blamed even though I was the smarter student.

            I've turned in papers for class and been accused of plagiarism in front of the entire class. "We need to have a little chat about plagiarism Mr. McConnell." Well...please do go on. I've written over 100 songs, and several stories." And after a spur of the moment in class writing assignment the class stood silences by what I wrote and was forced to read.

            When I offer people advice I am asked "oh yeah?...did you just make that up?" or "where did you hear that?" in a tone of complete disregard. When I give an opinion at all it often falls on def ears in classes, in public, with random individuals.

            In interviews I am often asked if my resume is real, or if I made anything up. "I'm sorry where exactly did I write astronaut farmer on here?" Also...A horrid figure from my past who was closest to me convinced everyone around me that I was some monster who abused her, and stole money from her.

She succeeded quit well I might add, turning my closest friends against me, and the majority of the classmates that I grew up from middle school with. Yet no charges were ever filed because I had never done any of it. Which bring up the question. Why?

Why is it so easy to believe this? To see me as untrustworthy, a liar, a fake, someone with no honor, a monster, a fiend, I can't think of a worse word at the moment but "____" <- whatever goes there. I have a theory. More fact than theory at this point but here goes...

As a child I got mocked endlessly, and no matter how I tried to fit in it continued. I can remember in kindergarten not being allowed to play with the other kids because I was "different," all the way to middle school where I was given permission from my assistant principle to fight back against the people picking on me, and so on.

But the entire time growing up I was learning. Learning what sarcasm was, and that people lie, and do not have your best interest in mind. Learning that there was some sort of class system I was not a part of, and that even within the system there were people in other classes who could not be a part of higher ones. I.e. Popular and unpopular.

And most of all...learning what NOT to do so I could limit the amount I was singled out and mocked.
Let me break down how that feels. You show up to the same situation, remember all the bad things that happened the last time you tried to interact in that situation, and what went wrong. You plan out what you are going to say and do based on what happened before.

the entire time in constant fear of being "outed" or "found out." You try a different approach this time...get a little farther, avoid the inevitable for as long as you can, and there...right there that's the problem.

You see the more you try to act normal, and emulate people, the more you seem like your hiding something. Your not being yourself, you must be a fake. You must have mal intent. You must be here for a malicious purpose. No...actually I just wanted a coffee, and now to be left alone.

I am pretending to be neurotypical, and these days I am pretty good at it, but every single time I go out. unless it's a place where I am a regular and the people have gotten time to get to know me, I am looked at with fear, or distrust.

And for the people (like some of the people close to me) who think it's some sort of distorted perspective I say this...

"Oh you've got the paperwork for your sticker that's out? ok...Do you mind if I search your car?" is not a normal response from a cop if they think your an upright guy.

"So um...everything on your resume is correct right? I wouldn't want to look into anything and embarrass anybody." is not an appropriate or normal interview question unless you think the person is misrepresenting themselves.

When they get your order wrong at a restaurant, and you tell them about it, aren't they supposed to fix it instead of accusing you of ordering something and then saying you just don't want it? Even when your receipt says different?

And managers don't just send employees to have their conversation closer to a person unless they believe that person has the intent of stealing.

I have millions more in my head but that's just it. If my "perception" is skewed in ANY way, it's in by being told that the things I know to be true are somehow being misunderstood by me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to believe in yourself when every idiot around you believes what you are perceiving with your own cognitive ability is flat out wrong?  That's what I call Twilight Zoning someone, and it is killing me. It's like learning a language and having someone who speaks it tell you everything you are saying is incorrect when it's not.

Don't we all want to be understood? To have our opinions validated by people we respect? To be credited with years of staying out of trouble, and doing the right thing? To have people around you who are proud of the person you actually are instead of accusing you of being a person your not?
A lot of these things seem to be missing from my life and I don't know how to take it or what to do about it. I am at a point where the people around me are tired of hearing about it...Well you know what? I'm tired of talking about it. Hell I'm tired of having it to talk about.

I do have a few good friends who understand me the majority of the time and I am grateful for them, but my fiancé is the only person who has been able to understand me for who I am. She knows what I am and that everything about me defines me. She allows me to be myself, and unfortunately...until somebody decides that I am worth hiring, she is an hour away from me at all times. That's why this matters so much to me.

Because the people that I need to impress...to get the job I need...to live the life I want...with the girl I love...they need to know that I can get the job done, that I am extremely talented in numerous ways, that if they hire me they will have one of the most outstanding people in their employ they have ever had, and most importantly (which is the issue here) that I'm not a liar or a criminal.

And yes I do have aspergers, but that is not everything about me. I am a chef, a multi-instrument musician, a graphic artist, a kung-fu practitioner, a gamer, at times a writer, a good friend, and a loving fiancé. And I am in no way a pessimist, though I do get depressed by factual things at times as they happen...

which last time I checked was just called "being sad." But hmm maybe that's just my "perception"? I think if people put a little more effort into understand who I know I am, instead of who they think I am...You know. I have no idea. I'm going to sleep. I hope this helps somebody whether it's a neurotypical trying to understand, or an Aspie needing understanding as much as I am.

Written in one sitting and not reread. Thought it was spell checked.
-thatonewolf